Killing Me Softly

I am a certified quitter.

So I haven't had time to do anything lately; working every day from 10pm to 6:30am and having to go to my original job in the afternoon was killing me: I was/am putting in more than 60 hours a week, and it almost killed me.

See, the reason I had taken this new job was because I wanted to leave my retail job behind for something better. I needed a car before school started in August, and I just wanted a better lifestyle. Unfortunately, I was just a six week filler for someone on maternity leave, and the position "may or may not be temporary". See, I need more information than that - it's just not reliable. So as a backup plan, I kept my old job while working at this new job, and if they decided to keep me after the six weeks were up, I could quit my retail job.

But it started to take a toll on my body; Monday night I had almost passed out at work, causing them to send me to the break room. I hadn't had time to even eat lately, I haven't had time to sleep, I even missed my mom. What's even worse is that I work EVERY DAY, and when I'm off from the retail job, I still sleep allllll day because I was exhausted.

Whenever I'm really stressed out, I get this pain in my lower abdomen that doesn't go away and it feels like some sort of lump. Well, yesterday I had a panic attack and then the lower abdomen pain started acting up again. I was in tears, so I had to go to the ER. They gave me some meds, and then they recommended that I see a therapist or someone to help me control the stress that I've been dealing with since I was like, 8 years old.

The hospital gave me a doctors note for both jobs, and while my retail job was more understanding, my overnight job was not; they wanted me to fax them the doctor's note, and it will be their decision whether they want me to come back or not. It was a bit shocking for me to hear that, only because I had never heard that in real life before. I was about 2 seconds away from telling them that I wouldn't be coming back because I couldn't handle the workload, but I felt like a quitter; so far I've quit a daycare job because of the treatment of the employees and the kids, and now I would probably be leaving a job I've only been on for 3 weeks, HELL I almost quit high school before I found out that I actually had potential, but that was a long time ago.

 Am I weak? does this make me a quitter? I would have no problem if I were to just have the one job, but since I didn't know whether I was permanent or not, I kept both jobs and almost killed myself in the process. I don't know anything. I just missed my life. I missed coming home at night to be able to take a bath and surf the net. I missed food, free time, VIDEO GAMES! I missed it all. I am happy to have my life back, but my self esteem has just plummeted to the ground.

Eyebrows.

(I've been so tired lately that this is the only thing I've been thinking about besides I'm so tired)
My entire life, I have been a victim of thick eyebrows. My eyebrows are genetically so thick that it's close to uni-brow status. When I was about 12 years old, I got my eyebrows shaped, and from then on I always cut them. One time when I was 16, I got a little carried away, and I cut them too thin. I figured that I can let my eyebrows grow out, then get them threaded, and just keep them up myself. For the record, I'm never getting my eyebrows threaded again. The lady who threaded my eyebrows ended up making me look furious, so I just shaped them.

My eyebrows have always given me a hard time, especially since eyebrows actually can drastically alter the look of someone's face. I had always been very insecure about my eyebrows and I always wondered why I had to have caterpillars above my eyes.

After growing my eyebrows out for about a month, I went to get my eyebrows waxed on thursday. The lady who did my waxing suggested that she just shape them so that they wouldn't be pencil thin and abnormal looking. I love the way she did them, and now it's easier for me to maintain them.

I've decided to leave my eyebrows thick. Why? because apparently thick eyebrows are a growing trend that I, unbeknownst to myself, have been following my entire life.

It's kinda like if someone was born with six fingers and all of a sudden having more than 5 fingers are in style. Makes me feel a hell of a lot less insecure!

Living Off Monster Energy Drinks And Daft Punk Radio.

Here is a quick recap of how working this new job has been. Tiring.

I will admit though, it is a step up from where I was working previously.

I drink a monster energy drink 3 hours prior to going to work, then I listen to daft punk radio on Jango (which is 1000000000 better than pandora radio) because it gets me hype, makes me go WHOO! and raises my confidence in my job.

A lot of times on the job, people complain about standing for too long and doing too much stuff, and I'm like HELLO it's a JOB. Where you WORK.

Sometimes, it looks as if the supervisor is pissed off, like the new people aren't really doing what they are supposed to, like I literally see the expression on their faces and it looks like they're thinking "What the fuck did I get myself into?". Lots of people don't think they can last because of the hours and the amount of work, but I practically prayed for this job, prayed to get the hell out of retail because if there is one thing that I suck at, it's making people happy. I can piss someone off, I can offend people, but making people happy is not my forte'.

Anywhoo, because I really want to stay, I think I try too hard to bust my ass and do a good job. I have gotten lots of praise and approval, but I don't know if that's enough. Sometimes I feel as if I'm trying so hard to do a good job I come off as a golden retriever; "please, please, I'm a good dog, I can do things, HONEST!!" Other times I think this is a test, because we will be trained for 5 mins and expect to know everything there is to know about everything, then someone will tell us to do something different than we were originally taught. I really do hope that this is just a test, because this job is tiring, but I need to move on with my life, not backtrack it.

Night Shift.

I got this job working the night shift at a laboratory. It is supposed to only last me six weeks but if you do a really good job they wont let you go.

What I will be doing is taking chemicals and testing them, I am constantly on my feet and moving around, which is perfect considering that it's night shift and I'm never really asleep at night anyway. There's about 6 of us newbs training at once.

Monday night was death. We were doing paperwork, watching videos, just sitting and doing nothing the entire time. The amount of information we had to retain was horrendous, I was so overwhelmed I was pretty sure that I wasn't gonna be able to do any of the work they ask me. When I got home I immediately had to go to bed because my other job started at 3 in the afternoon until 9 at night.

Tonight was better- we were actually training to do our jobs, and while it was no problem, we had the option to leave early because our training was done, BUT we wouldn't be making up the time we left, I was hesitant on leave but dammit I was carpooled there so I had no choice but to go.

So here I am, 5:48 in the morning restless, seeing a tiny glimpse of hope in my otherwise melacholia...for now. My other job is still irritating the shit out of me even more.

Why The Sims 3 Is Still Pissing Me Off.

I thought I was over this, but I can't take it, it's like the game developers decided to make people's lives difficult with this game.

I enjoyed the Sims 2 because of the freedom. I could edit my own terrain, make my own custom content, easily download hair, skin, houses, ANYTHING even weather. The characters had memories, the graphics were more beautiful and everything looked more realistic.

In the sims 3...In The Sims 3, You Don't Play Game, Game Plays YOU!

When I first played the sims 3, I was really baffled by a lack of creative outlet in this game. All of the sims look alike and are UGLY, there are no memories, only moodlets (stupid), you can't create neighborhoods, stores or anything. In the sims 3, you could go to the store with your sims and go bowling and everything. In the sims 3, the buildings are called rabbit holes, where you send a sim inside and they disappear. So what's the point of the actual game? controlling their lives, right? Well that's all you'll be able to do is control their lives, but you don't actually have control over their lives, because on story mode, the same house you made 5 minutes ago now has 2 children without your consent! So if there is story mode, what is the point of the actual player? Just leave your computer running and you'll automatically have 3 new generations of sims. 

I don't mind the non-loading screens and the walking around town, it's fantastic, but I can't even see my sim get inside the damn car or on the damn bike. The game developers spent so much money on the sunset and the beach that they cant afford simple animations like getting on a bike.

Another thing that pisses me off is game updates. In order for me to install the custom content to make the game look better I have to update the game which takes FOREVER. And I know that there is expansion packs but everything is 30 damn dollars and EA is not taking my hard earned money right now.

I thought about re-installing the sims 2, I miss creating everything, I really felt like God while playing the sims 2, I was a master of my own make believe, I created everything from northeastern towns to beach towns to Feudal Japanese villages and even ancient Greece! If you like just watching things happen without any control then the sims 3 is the game for you, but if you like to create your own things and watch them come alive then the sims 3 is not the game for you.

Assassins Creed 3 Sneek Peek Review

I am sooooo stoked for Assassins Creed to be coming out in October. At E3 they showed previews of different elements of gameplay.

Assassins Creed Frontier Gamplay

This preview of the game shows Connor hunting a deer, selling the meat, talking to a guy about an assassination target, and getting to the base to murk him. I'm excited about this new part of the game, I might look forward to just playing in the woods instead of the actual cities. The scenery is wonderful, it reminds me of walking through Skyrim. For the first time I see an actual cutscene and hear Connor talk, and no one has an accent, which is unfamiliar in an AC game.

 Assassins Creed Naval Gameplay

One thing I know for sure is that I am going to fail this boat mission badly. For some reason this part of the game is in the carribbean and all of a sudden 2 British ships show up. You bomb one ship and it sinks, while you invade the next ship with your weapons drawn. 

Assassins Creed Boston Gameplay

Beantown looks so beautiful in this game. The developer man said that they have added new dynamic weather systems, like the weather will change, the seasons will change, it's very interesting to see. The crowd dynamics in AC games are always up to par as you hear their reactions while you climb buildings, there's even this freed slave lady I think telling you about the British and in that above screenshot she's yelling "hey redcoats, why don't you put yourself back across the pond!" so she can get his attention, while Connor assassinates him.

That's America.

I am so stoked to be playing this game and even more stoked to already have my pre-ordered copy at gamestop. TeeHee.

Fashion Trends That I Don't Understand.

There are some fashion trends I love, some I hate, some that I'm just now embracing, and some that I don't understand. Well, theses are the ones I don't understand.

1. Maxi Skirts

A few years ago, I was a bridesmaid at my sisters' wedding. We had to wear these long black dresses and while everyone else looked normal, I looked longer and thinner than I really am, and people kept commenting on how tiny I was which pissed me off to oblivion.

I don't mind the hippy revival, in fact I was all into it at one point, but I am just not fond of long skirts- especially not on my tree-like figure. All I would have to do is wear a green maxi skirt, paint myself green, and get green liberty spikes and wham-o, I am now the statue of liberty.

2. Crop Tops

It's summertime in Georgia, and that means it's hot. So hot weather means summer clothing right? Not for everyone. I know that despite someone's body type they have to keep cool, but lets just say that not everything is flattering on everyone, there's just some parts of your body we don't want to see; in addition to being hot we don't want to be nauseous too.

I don't mind a crop top with a shirt on under it, but I wont be caught dead in a crop top, I just don't think it's appropriate to be wearing to wal-mart ffs. Every time I see a crop top I just picture those girls in the rap videos dancing next to a car parked by a pool or something like that, but I guess it's cute depending on how you wear it and how short it is. I guess IDK..

3. Neon Lipstick

Pink and purple and red is one thing, but green and yellow and all these other colors are just strange. I'm not sure I could pull this off because my lips are big enough, I don't want them to stand out any more, plus having blue lips brings back childhood memories of eating candy before school and walking around with blue lips for an hour. Like I said before, this is one of those trends that look good depending on how you wear it, mainly on BBC radio host Gemma Carney who is full of cool BTW.

4. Creepers

Legend has it that they were originally worn by WWII servicemen. When the servicemen would go to England, the English people caught onto the who idea or them or something like that. This trend is actually growing on me, I actually think it's pretty cute when worn the right way, but for me it would be really out of character to wear them. Whenever I see them, I think Tim Burton movie for some reason, they're just so silly and Willy Wonka-like. I haven't embraced them quite well, and I most likely wont be getting a pair any time soon, but they sure do beat those other shoes they used to sell at hot topic.

5. Feather Accessories

Feather earrings, necklaces, hair extentions, etc are a part of a collection I like to call "Native American Remorse Tribute". I think that people are so guilty of the treatment of Native Americans that they decide to use all of their trends and re-surface them, along with UGG boots and fringe stuff. I used to like this stuff when I lived in Arizona and it was everywhere, but now it's kind of played out, especially since Ke$ha got her hands on it.

6. Lace Clothing

 

 

I have no choice to embrace this trend since it's EVERYWHERE, but what's the deal? Madonna isn't wearing it, this isn't the Victorian era, why all the lace? Are we goth?

I'm pretty sure that there are more trends out there that are crossing over from "dislike" to "don't understand", but these are them for now. I'm scared to see what the future holds, and it looks like it's holding translucent nails.

Boys.

I like boys. Ok?

I am straight. I only like guys.

Unfortunately many people fail to realize it. Due to my non-existent love life I come off as a "confused" individual to some. My mom will even do this thing where she sees a guy on t.v. and goes "he's good looking..don't you think so?" like she's trying to get a certain response out of me, and for those who want to know, I just go,"mmmmmm"

I do have a boyish side, but again, that's because I have always been one of the guys, so I picked up some of their mannerisms that I use to this day, i.e. the overusage of the word "DUUUUUUUUDE!"

I don't really take myself too seriously; I never really put much effort into my appearance, I don't wear makeup, I'm just really low maintinence. The reason why I'm this way is because I used to put lots of effort into my appearance to appear attractive, and I thought that being attractive would make me happier with who I was. Once I turned 16, I had gotten the hint that no guys would like me no matter what, so I started to dress up how I wanted to dress and what would make me comfortable. My mom gets on me about this all the time, going "you're a young lady, you need to take care of yourself more" but the whole point of me doing what I do is because I knew that no one was looking at me.

I am literally invisible to guys, and because of my lack of love life, I just think it would be incredibly awkward for someone outside my family to tell me that they love me, I don't even like giving hugs for christ sakes.

But I've just never been the obvious type to show my attraction towards certain guys. I wasn't all loud and obnoxious like the rest of the girls were when they'd go "OMG HE'S SOOOO HAWT DFJSKDFJDNSFSNFD,NSFS,D!!!!!!!!!" I like guys too, I just don't show enough emotion to make it known.

Fashion Inspiration: I Miss The 90's

Back when I was a little kid and didn't have to worry about things like bills, money, and my future, I was happy and having fun and stress free. Back in the 90's when the sun shined all the time and I still stayed inside to play video games.

Songs

• So Much For The Afterglow by Everclear
• Volcano Girl by Veruca Salt
• Saying Goodbye by The Greenhornes
• Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze
• Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle by Nirvana
• some songs by the spice girls that I can't remember and don't feel like researching.

Notte: I didn't include pics of "clueless" because although we owned the VHS, I didn't actually watch it until 2004, and when I saw it, I was just like.."wow :S"

 

 

New Things.

Lately I had been having a hard time with some things. I had been having financial trouble, stressed with my school tuition, and upset with my job. I was about to give up and just drop everything.

I came to the conclusion that this was just life, but it wasn't rock bottom; I still had a job, I almost have enough for a car (despite helping my mom with the bills) and I was going to take a trip to my school's financial aid office to straighten things out.

Today was the day we were planning to go to the financial office originally. However, I received an email yesterday that my financial aid had been processed and I just had to accept my grant money. It took me since March 2010, 2 years ago, and 2 months before my high school graduation, to see ANY sign of my financial aid. And I have finally received it.

Today I got a call from a job that I was looking for through a temp agency. The pay and the hours are perfect, but they only called when they had positions open. Now, I was about to be extremely discouraged because I was really reliying on this new job. I hadn't heard any news and I told my mom that I wasn't going to call them back anymore, that I had just given up, but she kept saying "be patient..." but patience has never been my specialty. Today they finally called me with a position open.

So along with the financial aid kicking in AND there finally being a position open for me to accept, I'm very shocked because it's all happening so fast. Also, my mom was right, I need to learn to be more patient, which is something I'm not good at at ALL whatsover.

I am grateful to have doors opening for me this quick- it's a little overwhelming, things like this never happen to me, but as usual I'm just gonna take everything in stride and try not to get my hopes up...I need to be cool.

Worst And Best Case Scenario

Out of boredom, here is a random list of best and worst case scenarios and what I'd do.

What would you do if....

- The world ends in December 2012

I will party like no other, then take a large sleeping pill so I can't feel the effects

- Zombies start to roam the Earth

Find out whats spawning the zombies so I can become one myself, can't beat em, join em!

- You get fired from your job

Get some rest, then find another one.

- You (somehow) wake up one morning and find out you're pregnant

depends. I'd most likely put it up for adoption. Not ready for kids yet.

- Your body catches on fire, you survive, but you suffer from bad burns

live with it. I already know what it's like to be insecure, so...

- A riot breaks out in the city

head to Best Buy, Target, Wal-Mart, and pick out the most kick ass stuff.

-  You get stranded on a deserted island

Fish for food, build a house, write help on the sand, then die of isolation.

- You find love in a hopeless place

I don't know

- You hit the lottery for a million dollars

Put it all into my savings account, pay for college, get a car, a place to live, and still keep my job (I have a huge fear of running out of money)

-  You have any superpower in the world you want

Invisibility. Oh wait...I already have that.

- You could change everything about your body without plastic surgery

Don't get me started...

- You get your dream job, you rock at it, and you have really good pay

move to the best place for me, and start a good life. Plus I'd make it a priority to go to E3 and ComicCon every year.

- You had a lifetime supply of your favorite snack 

FUCK YEAH! Strawberry cheesecake and Peach cobbler flavored ice cream? PSSHH 

 So the MTV movie awards are probably the only awards show that's really tolerable. I watched it and watched it with all my might and here is what I thought of it.

•  God, Russel Brand...he's so British. His cock & fanny sense of humor is so awkwardly overwhelming for the people in the audience and my family, but being a watcher of lots of UK t.v. it didn't really stun me that much...but a lot of times I did just want to say "OMG STOP"

• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattenson won best kiss for the 100th time in a row, and they usually do a kiss onstage, but Robert wasn't there. So instead of just walking away and saying thank you, she asked a few people to come up onstage and give her a kiss and I just facepalmed. Guess what happens after that? NOTHING! nobody wanted to give poor Krissy a kiss. Awwww I felt bad, been there- done that.

• JOHNNY FREAKIN' DEPP, man. One of the best actors ever rockin' out with one of the best bands ever, not to mention his speech didn't take forever? OHH love forever and always.

• Joel McHale's explanation on archery. Just like an explosion of diarrhea? Yes. That's exactly what it feels like. I know.

• If the hunger games wins another award I'm really just going to turn the channel. Oh thank God, it was Harry Potter. OK that's cool.

• They're playing a song from TRON:Legacy!!!!!!!! :0:)XD Channing Tatum and Matthew Machonohey (Can't spell) are freaking hilarious. 

• Why do people stand when someone is getting up to accept an award?

•  Go EMMA!!!

• "Oh WOW" in Cassie voice...I thought Magic Mike was one of the guys in LMFAO, that movie looks HAWT.
• Christian Bale crying over Heath Ledger is sweet.
• twilight was the movie of the year again. GOSH bridesmaids kicked ASS! WHAT.

Overall, it was decent. Hopefully in the future Twilight, Harry Potter, and The Hunger Games will let the other movies win an award for once.

I Want To Move.

NO! not dance. I want to move to a new town. Due to the surrealness of this idea, I'm not actually moving, but I have lived on my own in another state before, which means that traveling is awesome, and if by some degree the opportunity pops up, I want to move to one of these candidate places.

I hate hot weather. Between Georgia and Arizona, I have experienced at least 6 species of hot.

• Places that get lots of snow and are really cold, with nice summers. Big cities

Toronto,Canada

 Vancouver, Canada

 Seattle, Washington

 and because I really like rain, somewhere in England.

Tron Uprising!!!

After most of the world finishes seeing Venus become a beauty mark on the sun, I will be tuning into disney XD to catch the premiere of Tron:Uprising.

So far, I know that it takes place before Legacy, and I think that it also takes place before or after whatever..evolution. I can't wait!!! but I will probably have to because I will be getting off work riiiight as the show is starting. Dammit. But I WILL be watching.

Sidenote: Tron is a disney based film. I'm not sure the audience that the Tron franchise is directed towards (8-9 year olds?) understand what's really going on in these films besides "he's trapped in a computer!!", but overage nerds like me will always be there to explain what's really going on. Can't Wait!!

..Maybe Now Is A Good Time To Bring Up My Social Phobia?

Yeah this is a really bad time.

I have somehow been working in customer service for a little over a year now, and I'm extremely confused. I am clearly awful at my job, and I can't help it if I am socially retarded, but I am required to TALK to people using words and my mouth. EEK.

It shouldn't be so bad, but for me it is; let me explain...

Growing up, I was the youngest, so I was basically I was alone. I did have childhood friends, but they did this thing called "have more than one friend" which was unheard of in my world at the time. I was always teased at school for whatever reasons, so I kind of isolated myself from people even more. Nowandays, I'm trying to break myself away from my antisocial personality, but things that bring other people joy don't make me happy, and I'm not a cheery person.

So being on a job where you have to TALK to people using words and your mouth is kind of difficult to someone who has purposely been avoiding strangers for majority of their lives, especially when you are working in one of the most people-oriented fields out there: customer service.

Here's what we're supposed to do:

Greet people nicely, explain the promotion, suggest additional items to add to their selection, talk to them a bit to coax persuade them to buy more (however that helps).

Here's what I do:

Greet people in what I consider a nice tone, but my voice is naturally kind of monotoned (another result of prolonged isolation), explain the promo to the people who can't read the signs, suggest items to people when they ask for it, leave them alone because I have other things to do. Check on them when they need to be checked on. 

I try to be more open and more people oriented, but when all you really want to do is be left alone, it's kind of difficult. It's really stupid of me to say for people to leave me alone on a customer service job, where your main job revolves around customers, but I'm just so damn awkward that I can never persuade people to do anything or brighten anyone's day, I've never 

been THAT person; the one who is always smiling front and center, I'm the kid in the back of the class that draws pictures of invader zim, and it's who I'm meant to be.