Hello. I'm Dom, and I am a mean girl.

I'm not going to apologize about this being a late post, because in all honesty, I don't get enough blog followers to really care, so it's like 'who am I actually talking to'? y'know?

Last week I came to a realization.
I am a mean girl.
and I don't mind.

Mind over matter: dealing with depression

I haven't really felt like blogging. Well, I take that back, I HAVE felt like blogging, but I've been busy, my computer sucked (this is my new one ^ ^) and I have also been dealing with my oh-so-ever changing emotions.

..Maybe Now Is A Good Time To Bring Up My Social Phobia?

Yeah this is a really bad time.

I have somehow been working in customer service for a little over a year now, and I'm extremely confused. I am clearly awful at my job, and I can't help it if I am socially retarded, but I am required to TALK to people using words and my mouth. EEK.

It shouldn't be so bad, but for me it is; let me explain...

Growing up, I was the youngest, so I was basically I was alone. I did have childhood friends, but they did this thing called "have more than one friend" which was unheard of in my world at the time. I was always teased at school for whatever reasons, so I kind of isolated myself from people even more. Nowandays, I'm trying to break myself away from my antisocial personality, but things that bring other people joy don't make me happy, and I'm not a cheery person.

So being on a job where you have to TALK to people using words and your mouth is kind of difficult to someone who has purposely been avoiding strangers for majority of their lives, especially when you are working in one of the most people-oriented fields out there: customer service.

Here's what we're supposed to do:

Greet people nicely, explain the promotion, suggest additional items to add to their selection, talk to them a bit to coax persuade them to buy more (however that helps).

Here's what I do:

Greet people in what I consider a nice tone, but my voice is naturally kind of monotoned (another result of prolonged isolation), explain the promo to the people who can't read the signs, suggest items to people when they ask for it, leave them alone because I have other things to do. Check on them when they need to be checked on. 

I try to be more open and more people oriented, but when all you really want to do is be left alone, it's kind of difficult. It's really stupid of me to say for people to leave me alone on a customer service job, where your main job revolves around customers, but I'm just so damn awkward that I can never persuade people to do anything or brighten anyone's day, I've never 

been THAT person; the one who is always smiling front and center, I'm the kid in the back of the class that draws pictures of invader zim, and it's who I'm meant to be.

The Mecca Of Crazy Dreams: I Dream Of Guidos

This was by far one of the most awesome and weird dreams I've ever had. For the record, I have never had any affiliation with guidos or guidettes nor do I even find guidos attractive, so for me this was pretty random.

Ok, so basically the dream was Guido: the musical. A bunch of guidos and guidettes got onstage and started rapping and singing about their lifestyle. It was awesome because I was able to think up the lyrics and rhymes up off the top of my head! Shame I don't remember any of the songs.. maybe this dream was my subconscious retaliating against my Glee rant I had the other day?...

I am no one's babysitter.

I am no one's babysitter, therapist, nanny, or anything that requires me to take care of them or "be there" for them.

I've never really been sympathetic or the type of person that lets someone cry on their shoulders. hell I cringe when people try to lean in for a hug or someone puts their arm around my shoulder - it's too weird.

I hate it when people have a problem and expect you to be like "ohhhh what's wrong", but the only problem is I never really care whats wrong, I mean, I can't by any means solve your problem. I can give you some advice and hope for the best but I don't have God-like powers that activate whenever there's a problem, for fuck's sake I can't even solve my own damn problems let alone someone else's.

And it's not like I've TRIED to be that really nice, sympathetic person who will let you cry on their shoulder, but it's not me; and that was back when I was trying to get people to like me. Here's what I've learned: you either like me or you don't, I'm not gonna be someone I'm not based on other people's approval, and while I'm not gonna be a total bitch I'm not exactly Snow White either, you get what you get.

Anyway, I am under a lot of stress; things are pissing me off, I can't get decent rest, I don't have a car and school starts in August. School? what school? I don't have any money for school right now and I guess that I'm gonna have to take out a loan that I will never to infinity and beyond be able to pay back. Oh scholarships? pshhhhh due to my 2 years of slacking off in high school I am deemed too stupid for a scholarship. I don't want to work retail for the rest of my life and while I'm not DEPRESSED or anything, I do feel pathetic. But fortunately for me, I've done so much self-pitying in the past that I'm tapped out of complain-juice and while it's hard to ENJOY life, I've had no choice but to accept it. That's just the way it is, and it's just the way I am, I don't have to go through anything.

But when someone tries to vent ALL of their problems to me and get upset when I don't do anything to help them, it's just immature. It's like that 5 year old kid crying for attention. If you have a problem, find a therapist, keep a diary (or a BLOG ) write your shit down, or even more importantly, find someone who cares and will "awww" and baby you to death.

There's Nothing Back There.

"Stop looking back - there's nothing back there for you"

That's a quote I heard on CurlyNikki.com a while back. It was about a woman talking about accepting her new life and her future with her family. A lot of times I try to tell myself that looking back into the past will not help me, but thanks to my brain (which produces a lot of dreams based on repressed memories of mine) sometimes I can't help but wonder what if some things had been different?

I work with a girl who is about to graduate from high school, and while I can't help but feel happiness for her, it makes me reflect on who I was when I was her age.

In 2006 I had entered high school with high hopes and aspirations; I was gonna be a radio personality, I knew exactly what college I wanted to go to, where I wanted to live, I knew exactly what I wanted my life to be like. I was making all A's in everything, I had potential. As I worked hard for my future, I was highly dissatisfied with my present life, I was lonely, I felt like I was watching a house party from the outside = everyone having fun, getting into relationships, y'know, things I had never experienced. By the time my sophmore year had started I didn't want to be a radio personality anymore - it seemed like everyone in my family was more into my future than I was, so I changed my mind and afterwards I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I slacked off, stopped caring, focused on my present life.

This pattern lasted from the beginning of my sophmore year to the end of the first semester of my junior year; I was actually having fun and looking forward to going to school every day. But my grades started to suffer horribly: my GPA fell from 3.0 to a 2.6 and I didn't care because I thought that for once I should focus on me and making myself happy.

By the time senior year arrived I was a burnout -  I had stopped trying to be friends with everyone and started to carry around a "fuck it" mentality. I missed school a lot, slacked off, why? because I didn't care - I didn't know what I was doing after high school and even if I did I was too dumb to really follow up on it. It wasn't until 3 months prior to graduation did I realize that I too, could go to college, and would you believe it, my grades revived themselves. Sadly, it wasn't enough to carrry my GPA along from 2 years of slack.

Basically these past few weeks I have been really confused about things. I have been thinking about people I used to know and love, things I did, things I wore (haha clearly) and what if things had been different? Lately I've been feeling nothing but guilt and regret not because of what I did, but who I tried to be. I tried to be someone else in the past- I had many personalities and If I had just been myself and stopped trying to fit in and care what everyone else had thought about me then maybe I would've came out alright, but it's all my fault; I am the way I am because I've never been happy with myself whatsoever.

I'm not sure what to do right now. It's always been hard for me to keep looking forward because I can't come to terms with my past.