A Whole World Of No.

That is my hair that I'm talking about.

A few weeks ago I got my hair cut. It was excellent and it only took a few minutes. Once I got home I altered it a bit and it looked better. Whenever I go to hair salons to get my hair done, I show them the style I want, which was this:

Perfect, yes? ok, unfortunately for me, whenever I go to the salon, the stylist always gives me a half- assed response like "well, your hair is a little thicker and shorter in the area where it needs to be longer and ljgdfjgiofdjgbldfjblgfb......" as if my hair is an unruly toddler that the teacher cannot disipline. Right then...so after I left the salon, instead of having hair that looked like that above, my hair looked more like this down below:

Fair enough, and for a few days I did feel good about myself for a while, but then something happened. See, I have hair so thick that it's actually scary, and when I WASH my hair, it just takes on a life of it's own. Being that I have 2 jobs back-to-back, I don't have time to style my hair anymore, and when I wake up my hair looks like this:

What had happened here was, my hair had such a good time at the renaissance festival, that it decided to travel back in time and shape itself into the hairstyle of a friar boy. This is not at all the look I was going for. But it gets worse....because I believe that instead of growing downwards, my hair grows outward and instead of a human being I feel like a fucking anime character. To fully understand what I'm talking about, this picture below is my interpretation of what my hair looks and feels like:

.............................Did I do something to deserve this?


So after deciding for a while, I was gonna go ahead and get my hair cut some more, and I want it cut in a way where I still have my chin length bangs- kind of like a Victoria Beckham haircut thingy.

But I have to find a salon. I have no salon to go to. The salon I went to before is rude, overcrowded, and ghetto. I have a problem with small business salons: I don't want to hear a bunch of loud talking, gossiping, and pausing to talk every second, just do my fucking hair! And the part that pisses me off is that I kept getting the question "you don't want any curls or flips? just straight?" NO! just do it the way I say to do it! I have the picture of the haircut just cut my hair please!

I think my problem is my face. When I see a haircut on someone else it's so pretty, but on me the haircut looks strange and alien-ish. Just for once in my life I would like to be satisfied with the way that I look, because apparently Im having an extremely hard time feeling comfortable with the way I look, and I'm afraid that if I get the haircut I want that it's going to look weird on me, and I'm literally 10 seconds away from pulling a Deb from Empire Records and shaving off my hair, and showing up to work to hear my manager say shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior when in reality I just want it all gone, and I'd do it too if it didn't make me look like a dude (my face can't handle makeup) soooooo....I'm at a bit of a loss here.  I don't know when I'm gonna have time to even go to a salon, but I am about to just butcher it myself and call it a day, that's for sure.

I am no one's babysitter.

I am no one's babysitter, therapist, nanny, or anything that requires me to take care of them or "be there" for them.

I've never really been sympathetic or the type of person that lets someone cry on their shoulders. hell I cringe when people try to lean in for a hug or someone puts their arm around my shoulder - it's too weird.

I hate it when people have a problem and expect you to be like "ohhhh what's wrong", but the only problem is I never really care whats wrong, I mean, I can't by any means solve your problem. I can give you some advice and hope for the best but I don't have God-like powers that activate whenever there's a problem, for fuck's sake I can't even solve my own damn problems let alone someone else's.

And it's not like I've TRIED to be that really nice, sympathetic person who will let you cry on their shoulder, but it's not me; and that was back when I was trying to get people to like me. Here's what I've learned: you either like me or you don't, I'm not gonna be someone I'm not based on other people's approval, and while I'm not gonna be a total bitch I'm not exactly Snow White either, you get what you get.

Anyway, I am under a lot of stress; things are pissing me off, I can't get decent rest, I don't have a car and school starts in August. School? what school? I don't have any money for school right now and I guess that I'm gonna have to take out a loan that I will never to infinity and beyond be able to pay back. Oh scholarships? pshhhhh due to my 2 years of slacking off in high school I am deemed too stupid for a scholarship. I don't want to work retail for the rest of my life and while I'm not DEPRESSED or anything, I do feel pathetic. But fortunately for me, I've done so much self-pitying in the past that I'm tapped out of complain-juice and while it's hard to ENJOY life, I've had no choice but to accept it. That's just the way it is, and it's just the way I am, I don't have to go through anything.

But when someone tries to vent ALL of their problems to me and get upset when I don't do anything to help them, it's just immature. It's like that 5 year old kid crying for attention. If you have a problem, find a therapist, keep a diary (or a BLOG ) write your shit down, or even more importantly, find someone who cares and will "awww" and baby you to death.

Favorite Movies: Marie Antoinette.

First of all, I'd just like to tell everyone to shut up. 

Second of all, I'd just like to say that Sofia Coppola is my new best friend.

Because this is a BAMF hoodie

And this is a BAMF movie.

This film is unique because it is visually appealing. Most historical pieces try so hard to be accurate with the time and the lifestyle of the people restricted to that period that they make it so hard, so boring. The film Marie Antoinette is meant to represent the ill-fated queen herself, by giving people a glimpse of who she was and how she lived her life; she was just a teenage girl in the beginning, and she was trying to please everyone. However, because it was not exactly her choice to live said life, it made her feel out-of-place and unhappy, and so she had to please herself as well.

The Queen.

Kirsten Dunst plays Marie Antoinette in the film. 

It's interesting to hear Coppola's reasoning behind why she chose her, mainly because she thought she would represent her well. Honestly, it's kind of random in my opinion; while she isn't really the first thing that comes to mind when I think Versailles, she also isn't the typical princess-faced either, so Sofia really stepped out of the box with this casting, but hey, Kirsten pulls it off in the best way.

Everything is Beautiful

Like I said before, this movie is visually appealing. When I first saw this movie, I was going through a grunge phase and I didn't have the urge to dress, act, or even feel like a girl anymore. One thing I can say about this movie is that there is so much PINK. Pink dresses, pink furniture, pink food....Love. This movie is what sparked my pink phase.

  

Just A Girl

For the people who didn't know the story of Marie Antoinette, the first reaction to this movie would be "oooh that's a nice lifestyle you got there!".  To make a long story short, she spent a lot, the court spent a lot, taxes were raised on the people so much that poverty rose like hell and everyone got mad (read A Tale of Two Cities). The movie casually takes you along a path of glitz and glam and then shows the aftermath, kind of like a party and then the aftermath of that party.

Here's the thing: Imagine if you were a teenage girl and you woke up one morning and were told you were gonna marry a boy who you didn't know. Everything changes, you never see your family and your home again. You are changed into the most uncomfortable clothing and you meet your new husband who has little interest in you. You don't know anyone and you feel lonely. Suddenly, you start to warm up and do things YOUR way, and just when people are telling you that you shouldn't be doing them, you find a group of friends who help you this journey. You go shopping, partying, clubbing, and have loads of fun, but in the meantime you forget that you have responsibilities, and not just any responsibilities, responsibilities unusual for a teenager.

And that's kind of what happened, she felt isolated, so she did what she could do to please herself. Even though that's not the BASIS of what happened, it is kind of what happened: she, (in the words of the great Wu-Tang clan) "got with a sick-ass clique and went ALL OUT"

New Romantics

 

This movie has a really great soundtrack. In fact, this movie is what sparked my interest in post-punk, shoegaze, and new wave music. Sofia said that she was inspired by the look of the "New Romantics", who took the 18th century look and ran with it. 

 

Yeah.......need I say more?

College.

So yesterday, I went to take my compass test at the college I'm supposed to be starting at in the fall.

The compass test is a test that people take when their SAT/ACT scores are slightly below the needed score to get into the classes or they've been out of school for a few years. At first I wasn't gonna go, a well known habit of mine is flaking - saying "oh yeah, I'm gonna go do this" and at the last minute I flake, which is deciding I don't want to do it.

I really contemplated it because I wasn't sure I wanted to go to college anymore; the practice test looked too hard and I was convinced that I was gonna fail. The English and writing parts are not an issue - it's ALWAYS been mathmatics for me. I can score above and beyond in English and reading, but I will bum fail math.

Well, I egged myself on. I thought that hey, at least it's college, and I need somewhere to go and jumpstart my life besides my 2 jobs all the time. So I went ahead and went, and I got a perfect score and I am taking the normal freshman classes! I felt extremely accomplished yesterday after leaving the college.

Some things I noticed were that people are more likely to mind their business in college; in high school people looked at each other and judged each other, whereas in college most people don't actually give 2 shits about the next person. Also, there are more people there of any age: there was a guy in his 50's there doing his homework.

Most people there are my age, but it still helps that there is a wider variety of people in each age group, you know? I recommend taking a year off and finding a job to anyone who was tired of school like I was, however, college is still something that I would also recommend, not just for the learning, but everyone should at least TRY. That's one word I need to use more in life. TRY.

There's Nothing Back There.

"Stop looking back - there's nothing back there for you"

That's a quote I heard on CurlyNikki.com a while back. It was about a woman talking about accepting her new life and her future with her family. A lot of times I try to tell myself that looking back into the past will not help me, but thanks to my brain (which produces a lot of dreams based on repressed memories of mine) sometimes I can't help but wonder what if some things had been different?

I work with a girl who is about to graduate from high school, and while I can't help but feel happiness for her, it makes me reflect on who I was when I was her age.

In 2006 I had entered high school with high hopes and aspirations; I was gonna be a radio personality, I knew exactly what college I wanted to go to, where I wanted to live, I knew exactly what I wanted my life to be like. I was making all A's in everything, I had potential. As I worked hard for my future, I was highly dissatisfied with my present life, I was lonely, I felt like I was watching a house party from the outside = everyone having fun, getting into relationships, y'know, things I had never experienced. By the time my sophmore year had started I didn't want to be a radio personality anymore - it seemed like everyone in my family was more into my future than I was, so I changed my mind and afterwards I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I slacked off, stopped caring, focused on my present life.

This pattern lasted from the beginning of my sophmore year to the end of the first semester of my junior year; I was actually having fun and looking forward to going to school every day. But my grades started to suffer horribly: my GPA fell from 3.0 to a 2.6 and I didn't care because I thought that for once I should focus on me and making myself happy.

By the time senior year arrived I was a burnout -  I had stopped trying to be friends with everyone and started to carry around a "fuck it" mentality. I missed school a lot, slacked off, why? because I didn't care - I didn't know what I was doing after high school and even if I did I was too dumb to really follow up on it. It wasn't until 3 months prior to graduation did I realize that I too, could go to college, and would you believe it, my grades revived themselves. Sadly, it wasn't enough to carrry my GPA along from 2 years of slack.

Basically these past few weeks I have been really confused about things. I have been thinking about people I used to know and love, things I did, things I wore (haha clearly) and what if things had been different? Lately I've been feeling nothing but guilt and regret not because of what I did, but who I tried to be. I tried to be someone else in the past- I had many personalities and If I had just been myself and stopped trying to fit in and care what everyone else had thought about me then maybe I would've came out alright, but it's all my fault; I am the way I am because I've never been happy with myself whatsoever.

I'm not sure what to do right now. It's always been hard for me to keep looking forward because I can't come to terms with my past.

The New Waves

For a while I have had a strange infatuation with New Wave, shoegaze, and post-punk music. It's always been somewhat pleasing to my ears. Every time I listen to it, I picture a music video on the early days of MTV, where there is dark lighting, and a man with really wild and colorful hair wearing over-the-top makeup, and sometimes you can't tell if the person singing (by voice or appearance) is a male or female.

To distinguish different types of music genres from each other, I normally close my eyes and see what I can visualize.

New Wave

Normally pretty upbeat; Easy to dance to, Use of synthesizers and/or guitars make a quirky melody. Song lyrics are mostly symbolic for something else, like love, revenge, politics, etc.

Musicians: Bow wow wow, The B-52's, culture club, The talking heads, New Young Pony Club, Foster The People.

Post-Punk

Also pretty upbeat, mainly use guitars, lyrics are usually based on love and they even title their songs after the people they're in love with, most of the songs are of darker nature than New Wave, sounding like something you'd hear on Halloween. The basic foundation to goth music, and not those emo losers, either; straight up Gothic people with pale skin, cross and crucifix accessories and extremely teased hair.The kind of music Edgar Allen Poe would love.

Musicians: A Place To Bury Strangers, Siouxie and the Banshees, Joy Division, The Cure, bauhau5, some songs by Metric.

Shoegaze

More mellow. Can be described as new wave and post-punk combined. The songs contain like, 50 guitars all on a different key, but come together to make one sound (kind of like a modern opera), The lyrics are ambient, usually talking about nature and feelings, very thereputic, best listened to when looking at a sunrise, a snowfall, the sea, or a nice rainy day (or when listening to Tamaryn, a sunset or the desert)

Musicians: The Daysleepers, Apollo Heights, Tamaryn, The Radio Dept, M83..

My Top 5 Most Underrated and Overrated Movies

These are in my opinion from what I've see the top 5 most underrated and overrated movies..(no particular order)

Underrated

1.) Cyrus

 This movie is really good. It's just real in the fact that there's not much background music or film score. Its about a miserable, divorced man who meets a woman with a 20-something year old son, with whom she shares a "mommy's boy" relationship with. Cyrus (played by Jonah Hill) is overprotective of his mom in a way that a mom German Shepard is protective of her puppies.

2.) The Wackness

 I think this movie is mad dope, yo. Set in the summer of '94 in NYC, it's about this kid who just graduated from high school, yo, and he's trying find his place in the world over the summer, even if it is just with his pothead therapist, his stepdaughter, and all the other crazy fools, yo. Oh yeah, it's got a bangin' ass soundtrack too, yo, and they say the word "yo" a lot, yo.

3.) Whip it

 Ellen Page does a really good job at playing the alternative teenager, but I gotta say I like this movie more than Juno. It's about this teen who really has nothing better to do, and is not good at anything, so she tries out for roller derby, eventually becoming one of the best at it. And she's trying to hid the hobby from her extremely moralistic mother. Also she meets a band member, and the best part of the movie is the fact that Drew Barrymore is in it as a young roller derby girl and the main girl doesn't get the guy in the end! Yay! misery loves company!!

4.) Date Night

 This movie is hilarious in all sorts of ways. Steve Carell and Tina Fey are awesome in this movie because they're both funny, so the natural chemistry is just awesome. Plus the plot about a date night gone wrong and how many things can happen throughout the night is good too, since everything is so unexpected, seeing Steve and Tina's reaction to everything is HILARIOUS!

5.) Marie Antoinette

This is one of my favorite movies of all time, mainly because of the colors, the deserts, and the fact that it's so cross genre; normally in a historical movie they try to be more authentic. Not in this one, instead of the normal baroque music of the time being used as the film score, this film uses post-punk and new wave during significant moments in the movie. Sneaking out to a French masquerade ball where everyone's dancing to Siouxie and the Banshees?! Sofia Coppola, you are a badass for this one.

Bonus***Georgia Rule

Just because it was made during Lindsay Lohan's decline doesn't mean it wasn't good! The movie was really good if you could follow the storyline; a lot of broken hearts, family secrets coming to air and...

Lookie who we have here..

 Garrett Hedlund Pre-Flynn!!! ^ ^

Overrated

1.) Titanic

I'm sorry, but all this hype about the Titanic is more obnoxious than the British royal wedding hooplah. I'm not one for love stories anyway, but seriously? The ending was kind of expected knowing that even the owner and wife of Macy's died during the events of the Titanic. Tragedy? yes, but it was very sappy.

2.) Twilight Series

I tried to watch this movie when it first came out and the thing about it, is that it's so BORING. And that Cullen kid is not even hot. Robert Pattinson is good looking, but they have so much cake-up on him that he looks like someone that should be on Intervention instead. Plus whats with all of the fucking loud breathing and Bella being miserable. Also, why is Jacob still chasing after her? I hate it when guys don't get the message.

3.) Eat, Pray, Love

So the next time I need to change my life I'm just gonna hop a plane and travel the world, is that the point, then?

4.) Any Star Wars Movie

I apologize to my fellow nerds, but no. This movie is so confusing; it's like having a dictionary that posts the alphabet like this: MLPNKOBJIVHUCGYXFTZDRZSRWAQ. 

5.) Any movie about a superhero that was created for comic books in the 40's

....I rest my case.

But I am STILL campaining for that Aquaman movie. He doesn't have to be underwater ALL the time!