College Bum.

I'm just gonna sum up my college experience so far, because if I know life (and believe me, I know life), this is how things are always gonna be.

For one thing, since housing is expensive, and I failed to take out student loans, I have to commute back and forth, which is a bitch because I don't like driving that much, and parking on campus is hell, so I probably most likely illegally park in the student housing parking lot, but I have no other options.

Due to paranoia and bad timing I always arrive on campus early, which means I have nothing to do. I used to know some people who went there;I kinda feel like the campus bum in a way, I clean myself in the bathrooms whenever I feel dirty, and I sleep in my car whenever I'm tired.  Unfortunately I can't find anyone I used to know or anyone to hang out with, so I try to find a quiet space where I can sit and use my laptop in peace.

What I've noticed is that this is just like a regular college - dorms, guys stereotypically playing shirtless Frisbee on the green, people hanging out, but for me it's just awkward, I legit don't have anyone to talk to, so I just sit in a building somewhere and look around. What I've also noticed is that there is a disturbing amount of cigarette smokers, like every other person on campus has a cigarette in their hand, like WTF.

There are a lot of really good looking guys, and by good looking I mean I-only-thought-these-type-of-guys-existed-in-the-movies type of guys. It would help if I was equally hot so I would have a chance, but it is whatever.

So far my classes are ok, my sociology class is my favorite so far, because we talk about people and basically stuff I rant about on this blog, and my first assignment is easy- stand in a crowded place and observe. Easy, no?

I have mixed feelings about college. I feel like I'm fully missing out on the college experience because of being a commuter and my socially retarded-ness; It's kind of like being a clown at a child's birthday party..you don't really get to enjoy the party, you just make a few appearances from time to time. I like to compare it to this poster that I used to have:

 

So much for study buddies. Maybe I'll find myself in a situation where I find a club or a study group and we end up hanging out..

That's better.

 Yet even though I may seem like I'm really ungrateful, I really can't complain. I've have been trying to get to college for 2 years now, and now that I'm here I can try to learn from my slacker mistakes that I learned from in high school. Just try to pass please.

First Week Of College: First Day

So I am EXHAUSTED.

Today was a full-on day. I had to go up to the school at 11am this morning, and between updating my classes, verifying my financial aid, and RE-verifying my financial aid, it took a while. However, I got everything done, and I went to my first class.

Today I had math 0099, which is the pre-college math class they put people in when their math SATs are subpar. I'll admit, I'm really dyslexic when it comes to math, in any other subject, I am a beast, but in mathematics, I am a total derp; always has been.

Anyway, the teacher is nice, it's actually my 12th grade statistics teacher (how'd he get there!) and that's mainly the reason why I switched the class time, because I recognized the teacher name and was like "OHHH IM GONNA PASS!!" because he's one of those teachers that explains things clearly. I'm afraid to find out what the others will be like.

So far everything seems ok. The commute is really difficult, especially since the class starts at 6:30pm and it's rush hour for people coming from the city, and it's hell for someone with their first car, but the ride back is a bit easier because the class ends at night. The campus is really crowded, like there is never a dull moment at all, and I guess that if I had gotten housing I would've been closer to people, but I find it extremely hard to bond with people at this point, I mean some people are just "hi, my name is..." but I've never been like that, I've had my guard up since the 6th grade, so I really don't think that my dreams of having friends are gonna come true..at all LOL.

But I just gotta give it another chance; it wasn't bad, but it didn't feel like school or anything. We'll see.

Mecca Of Crazy Dreams: Icarus

You know how they say God or your subconscious sends you messages in your sleep? Well this dream really made me think.

This dream starts out as a 1970's movie starring Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby played a track star, who everyone loved and admired, until one day he broke his leg, forcing him to not be able to run anymore. He sat and loathed for days and days, and instead of trying, he gave up on himself. One day, out of his newfound boredom, he created a pair of wings, and decided to try and fly across the river to the other side of the city. At first he keeps crashing into the river, but then he gets support from the local community, and he keeps trying, eventually suceeding in flying and taking off across the river.

Then the dream switches to present day, and it was more like a remake, only this time, the lead character was female, and instead of being a track star, she decided to give up on life because she felt like she wasn't good enough, so inspired by the movie, she decides to make a pair of wings and fly across the river to the other side of the city. At first she keeps falling in the river, but once her family finds out what she's doing, they support her and she decides to keep trying to fly. One day, she sees a few people by the river hanging out, and decides to show off her new skills, at first she stumbles, but she succeeds in taking off in flight..across the river.


Now, I know this dream has something to do with what I said the other night. I proclaimed that this time if school didn't work out, I was giving up. I am really sick of trying and never getting anywhere, not knowing what to do. My family tells me not to give up, but honestly sometimes, not to sound loathe-y or anything but I have really run out of reasons to go on.

Quick Update.

This is a quick update of whats been going on lately.

Box Braids

After trying to figure out WTF to do with my damaged hair, I decided to just grow it back out while getting protective hairstyles. I was gonna get more chopped off, but that would've made the situation worse, then I decided to get a weave, but it would either look cheap or I couldn't put it in a bun, so I was either going to get micro or tree braids, which would've taken my entire hairline out. After much self-convincing and browsing on Google, I decided to get box braids because they were different. At first I thought they were ugly and too reminiscent of Janet Jackson's hair in Poetic Justice, but once I got them I got SOOO many more complements on my hair than before, and I think they are just tres belle ^ ^!

College

...Is pissing me off. School starts August 20th and I was almost prepared until they caught on to my 'I'll just take 2 classes since I have to work and everything will be ok!" scheme, because now I have to take 4 in order for my financial aid to fall through.

Job

OH THE BALLSACK THAT IS WORKING RETAIL. 

and not just retail, a major retail chain that is very popular. When it's not the customers that hate me, it's upper management being dickheads and not having faith in me, and before today we were shortstaffed, but our manager has managed to hire 3 more people so horrah.

Thumb

It seems like whenever I'm stressed out that's when I get hurt. On Tuesday I was walking into my job half asleep when I closed my car door on my thumb, and not just slammed my door on it, it closed and latched on my finger! I quickly examined my thumb and saw the blood rushing out of my finger all over both hands. Fortunately for me, I work next to a clinic, so I quickly rushed inside to get bandaged up, then get seen by the doctor, because I was in so much pain that I needed to make sure everything was ok (and to see if I needed to get any meds). So he decided to work on it. I received several Novocaine shots just to numb the pain as he drained the blood from under my fingernail which I cracked sideways BTW, and afterwards I couldn't work for 2 days because of the thumb pain and I cant really do much with my right hand. Now I know how it must have felt to be amputated in the 19th century with no anesthesia or anything.

Outlets

Because of my off the wall stress level, I need a hobby or at least a creative outlet to keep my mind occupied, so I have decided to re-install the sims 2 and have decided to make stories out of them. They will be uploaded onto my other blog that I made especially for these sims 2 stories called Pointless Stories

College Orientation

So friday, I actually put my procrastinations aside and went to my college orientation. Again, it was required for all incoming freshmen because it was also our registration.

I had been having sleeping problems. I had went to bed at 10pm, and woke up in the middle of the night at 1am. So at 6:15 I left the house and continued to the long journey that would be my future college.

Since it was 6:15 in the morning and I was heading north of the city, the traffic was at a minimum. The morning was fairly calm, I signed in, went to the auditorium and sat as I waited for further instruction.

We were divided into 3 groups: Incoming freshmen, transfer students, and students 25 and over. I was stuck with the straight outta high school freshmen. The reason why I had put so much emphasis on going to school was because I needed to be around more people my age, however, since I was very sleepy during this orientation, that was not my intent this time. I was stuck with an obnoxious group of teenagers that I hadn't seen since the incoming freshmen in high school. We had to mingle and get to know each other and that's not my biggest specialty, so I just didn't do it.

The whole reason we were supposed to be there from 7:30 am to 6:00 pm, was because we were on a schedule, yet none of the professors wanted to be there until 6pm, so basically we sat there watching videos of college safety for an hour, went to "lunch" which was just cold sandwiches, came back to our group room and sat for an hour and a half, played a game, then watched another college safety video, played another game (I didn't even bother), and then it was time to register for classes. Since there have already been at least, 6 weeks worth of students who had registered before us, we kind of got the short end of the stick with the classes, so we were told to pick what we could, then change it once drop/add begins. Drop/Add is basically when the class avaliblity shifts and people start switching classes.

Since I have to work, I only have 2 classes (and those were the only one I could choose), these classes are

• world religion: Monday, weds, fri, 9:00-9:50 am

ok, not bad, but this is what I need to change:

• mathmatics: Weds 6:30-10pm

I kinda need classes closer together dontcha think?

Overall, it was ok I guess. There was this one guy in our group who graduated high school a year before me and was an incoming freshman, so I didn't feel too bad, because, like me, his real-life priorities got in the way of continuing his education. So there you have it, instead of 7:30-6, it was more like 7:30-4pm.

This Is Stupid.

This is a rant on something very dumb. But it's how I feel right now and I'm not sure what to do about it.

So after 2 years of going through financial aid hell, I get a chance to actually attend a real life college. And while I am extremely grateful, this is not the school I wanted to go to, its sort of this lame community college that is now a 4 year university but the name suggests would make one believe it is a community college, and while I have nothing against community college, this new 4 year university or whatever is only my school of choice because I wanted to move into a dorm room, and my financial aid will not finance this room....in fact no one's financial aid will pay for this room. For an example: the federal pell grant gives each student $5500. An off campus student can take the maximum credit hours for both semesters and still get a college refund check in the end. An on-campus student with the pell grant, however, will not even be able to take classes because all of the money will have to go towards a dorm room, and the rooms are so much money that to take classes and have a room will cost roughly around $9000 per semester which would be an estimated $18,000 for the whole year! Whoever in the hell can afford this wont even be attending school, they'll be attending the good schools like UGA or Georgia Tech or Oglethorpe University, which was my dream school as a child, but I slacked off in High School for 2 years so getting into any of these is a negative.

Another thing that annoys me is the orientation, required for all new students, will be from 7:30am to 6:00pm. What the fuck are we doing for 10 hours? touring the new lunar-based classrooms on the moon? There will be meals provided....don't care. And as if these orientations aren't bad enough, I have to be there with other people. Now, not a lot of people know me very well, but the ones that do know enough that I don't mix well with other people, especially the ones in my age group.

I always thought that the better the college, the better the job opportunities afterwards, and one of my biggest fears that I face every day is failure. I don't want to work retail for the rest of my life until retirement because if that's the case I will never have enough to support myself and retire. The only reason why I am trying to go is because after the horrible bad summer of 2010, I'm still trying to rebuild my life, and I've come too far to turn back, (and also they've added a new video gaming development course) but my determination is falling and falling and things that I once wanted to do and loved to do I can't enjoy anymore. Like literally, today in the middle of work, I really just stood there for a moment and contemplated. Not only am I wondering if I should continue or not, but I'm starting to think I'm stupid and will end up flunking anyway (thats why I slacked off those 2 years of high school, because I started to think I was dumb)

And it sucks. The fact is that I can get into a college. I have several times. But I could not pay for them because FAFSA is a joke. And now that I finally finally finally have a chance, I know deep down in my heart and soul that this is not the college I wanted to go to. I wanted to go to a college with sororities and fraternities and student life and stereotypical stuff, not a wannabe school with this...stuff going on. And only like 6 fields of study to choose from WTF?

I'm an ungrateful bitch.