I haven't had anything really 'eventful' to post on here lately, because I was really trying to fulfill the status of an actual blog, but no one really reads this blog, mainly because I never really put forth the effort into making it into what I wanted, but I often forget that the original intention of this thing was to be a diary of my most innermost thoughts, since I really have nowhere else to write them down.
It's been almost 2 years since I started this thing, and basically my life is still at the same place it was when I started. So far, I've worked 3 jobs, quit 2, got a car, started college, shamefully dropped out, and even though I've managed to travel and do other things that I have failed to mention, like meet up with my best friend after not seeing her for 5 years, I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile. I broke all my new years resolutions. Basically I am a confused quitter. I have applied to a different school and everything, but I don't know how I'm gonna pay for it, now since FAFSA has this policy where if you don't complete the semester then you actually owe THEM the money you were given back..sweetie if I HAD that type of money there's no way I'd even be trying this hard to do something with my life. I feel like my entire life has collapse with that debacle from last year and I'm still trying to recover from it with very unhelpful counseling and anti-depressants, which by the way, don't really solve any problems, they just make you more optimistic and happy, but once they wear off, it's like "WTF was I even happy for??"
I have an appointment with my clinic on Tuesday. Maybe this time they'll recommend me some actual help since I'll have something to tell them this time. I just wanna be like everyone else, a nice normal life with excitement and romance and hope and a nice outlook, instead I'm a lonely 21 year old college dropout working part-time at my same job of 3 years on basically a pay of nothing, since every time I get paid a bill is magically due, and I haven't been able to save money because of that; I'm lucky if I even have enough gas money to last me through the week.
2014 is the year I was supposed to be graduating from college. I was at least supposed to accomplish something worthwhile for once in my life, y'know, make myself proud, but I've never been able to do that since everything I've ever tried I've either quit or failed at miserably. I always think that I know what I'm doing, but the truth is I don't know what I'm doing, and I need help, but theres no one there who can really help me through this- I really feel as if I am alone here.
Just once in my life I would like to feel like I'm good enough for something. I see people all the time who are just fine because they know that they have something to believe in, for me that couldn't be more far from reality. I wish I could honestly have something positive to say, but with the holiday season and the new year approaching, it's just a harsh reminder of how much I continue to fail at life.
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