Moar complaining about college....

And here is why:

When I was in high school I had dreams of what I wanted to do, but unfortunately you have to be smart to do them. By the time I had reached senior year I had become an expert in procrastination and slacked off until the very end. Why? it wasn't because I was lazy, it was because I felt like it was pointless, and I was right. Here are several reasons I think college blows:

• Fate. I am not supposed to be there. When I finished HS I actually got into college, but due to financial issues and other circumstances I couldn't attend. So when I moved out to Arizona, I had plans to get a job and go to a community college to start off. Well so much for community college, who kept saying that I needed to fax some papers back and forth for me to qualify for financial aid, so many times that I actually missed the semester and was not able to attend. I had given up on going until last summer when I moved back to Georgia, and there were several colleges I wanted to go to, but I had no money, no car, and I am one of those unlucky few who actually have to support myself, so I couldn't go to a college I actually wanted. Instead, I ended up settling for a wannabe university. I couldn't go because I didn't have a car. Ok, so now I have a car, but I can't get the right classes because I'm a retard in mathmatics, ok, so that doesn't matter, I can just take regular classes and math0099, no big, then I have to attend an ALL DAY session of bear essentials, but wait, my financial aid hasn't kicked in...fast forward to 2 days later, your financial aid has been "rewarded", and now that you have a car, and almost in college, you can't go because you owe $ 25,000 and the only way you wont owe all that money is to take out loans or become a full time student= 4 classes. Well, it's too late to take out any loans! so you gotta take those classes. So now we go to school, ok, let's have some more things happen to us like: computer crashing, traffic, no time because of work, not having a macbook, and the ultimate CAR BATTERY FAILURE.

•  My math class doesn't even count towards my GPA which means that I don't even need to be there, and it's not even a class, everything is online, so I can do the work at home, right? WRONG, your browser does not have the supported plugins to access this page.

• Remember the part about me being stupid? well remember this kiddies, if you are good in math, you can become anything and everything and become whatever you want, but if you are good at things that I am good at, such as nothing, there are no options for you. My major is digital media: I wanted to work in video gaming and/or animation and all that stuff, but I am constantly reminded that the job market is hard, and I probably wont find a job in my major, which will lead to me working retail for the rest of my life.

• I wanted to be around people my own age. I don't have any friends. So the original plan was, get a room on campus, meet friends, don't be lonely, right? Nah...my financial aid didn't pay for loans, so I am just a regular ol' commuter. And I'm still socially stunted, I don't know how to make friends anymore, and I'm not charismatic either, so I've just always avoided people.

• I have been offered another job. There are bills to pay, things I have to do but can't afford it, I am contemplating the offer on this second job, but on my days off I use at least an hour to finish my homework and projects, if I take this second job, I will be exhausted to no extent, which will lead to my return to the ER, and another hospital bill that I can't afford to pay, but probably COULD if I took this second job..

• WTFlectures? It doesn't feel like I'm in school, it feels like I'm in some sort of rehab facility. The assignments in my classes consist of questions like "how do you feel about that? what do you think about that? what does this picture make you think?" Here is a little known fact about me: I have no opinion on things I don't feel strongly about, but that answer wont do me any justice, will it?

• The people. These people suck. 

• Commuting. To get to school from my house takes 30 minutes of a hectic drive. There's traffic and either ridiculously slow drivers, ridiculously aggressive drivers, and ridiculous amounts of police. I can never find a place to park, so I started parking out by the dorms, but walking to and from my car by the dorms felt like walking by a large group of winos downtown. So now I park on the gravel lot in the front of the school which feel like hell on my tires. Also, I don't have air conditioning, so when I get to my classes I smell like a rotting bag of ham.

It seems like I'm complaining, and I feel like I'm just being pissy, since I DID suffer two years of thinking that I wouldn't get anywhere in life unless I went to college, but I am starting to think that all these things happening to me were probably signs, telling me not to go. I seem ungrateful for everything that has happened to me, I know, but overall, I am feeling a huge sense of discouragement and let-down, so I'm really contemplating on whether I did the right thing or not. People say it will pay-off in the long run, but I think it's gonna end up being a LOOONNNG run. And yet I still go...

College Bum.

I'm just gonna sum up my college experience so far, because if I know life (and believe me, I know life), this is how things are always gonna be.

For one thing, since housing is expensive, and I failed to take out student loans, I have to commute back and forth, which is a bitch because I don't like driving that much, and parking on campus is hell, so I probably most likely illegally park in the student housing parking lot, but I have no other options.

Due to paranoia and bad timing I always arrive on campus early, which means I have nothing to do. I used to know some people who went there;I kinda feel like the campus bum in a way, I clean myself in the bathrooms whenever I feel dirty, and I sleep in my car whenever I'm tired.  Unfortunately I can't find anyone I used to know or anyone to hang out with, so I try to find a quiet space where I can sit and use my laptop in peace.

What I've noticed is that this is just like a regular college - dorms, guys stereotypically playing shirtless Frisbee on the green, people hanging out, but for me it's just awkward, I legit don't have anyone to talk to, so I just sit in a building somewhere and look around. What I've also noticed is that there is a disturbing amount of cigarette smokers, like every other person on campus has a cigarette in their hand, like WTF.

There are a lot of really good looking guys, and by good looking I mean I-only-thought-these-type-of-guys-existed-in-the-movies type of guys. It would help if I was equally hot so I would have a chance, but it is whatever.

So far my classes are ok, my sociology class is my favorite so far, because we talk about people and basically stuff I rant about on this blog, and my first assignment is easy- stand in a crowded place and observe. Easy, no?

I have mixed feelings about college. I feel like I'm fully missing out on the college experience because of being a commuter and my socially retarded-ness; It's kind of like being a clown at a child's birthday party..you don't really get to enjoy the party, you just make a few appearances from time to time. I like to compare it to this poster that I used to have:

 

So much for study buddies. Maybe I'll find myself in a situation where I find a club or a study group and we end up hanging out..

That's better.

 Yet even though I may seem like I'm really ungrateful, I really can't complain. I've have been trying to get to college for 2 years now, and now that I'm here I can try to learn from my slacker mistakes that I learned from in high school. Just try to pass please.

First Week Of College: First Day

So I am EXHAUSTED.

Today was a full-on day. I had to go up to the school at 11am this morning, and between updating my classes, verifying my financial aid, and RE-verifying my financial aid, it took a while. However, I got everything done, and I went to my first class.

Today I had math 0099, which is the pre-college math class they put people in when their math SATs are subpar. I'll admit, I'm really dyslexic when it comes to math, in any other subject, I am a beast, but in mathematics, I am a total derp; always has been.

Anyway, the teacher is nice, it's actually my 12th grade statistics teacher (how'd he get there!) and that's mainly the reason why I switched the class time, because I recognized the teacher name and was like "OHHH IM GONNA PASS!!" because he's one of those teachers that explains things clearly. I'm afraid to find out what the others will be like.

So far everything seems ok. The commute is really difficult, especially since the class starts at 6:30pm and it's rush hour for people coming from the city, and it's hell for someone with their first car, but the ride back is a bit easier because the class ends at night. The campus is really crowded, like there is never a dull moment at all, and I guess that if I had gotten housing I would've been closer to people, but I find it extremely hard to bond with people at this point, I mean some people are just "hi, my name is..." but I've never been like that, I've had my guard up since the 6th grade, so I really don't think that my dreams of having friends are gonna come true..at all LOL.

But I just gotta give it another chance; it wasn't bad, but it didn't feel like school or anything. We'll see.

College Orientation

So friday, I actually put my procrastinations aside and went to my college orientation. Again, it was required for all incoming freshmen because it was also our registration.

I had been having sleeping problems. I had went to bed at 10pm, and woke up in the middle of the night at 1am. So at 6:15 I left the house and continued to the long journey that would be my future college.

Since it was 6:15 in the morning and I was heading north of the city, the traffic was at a minimum. The morning was fairly calm, I signed in, went to the auditorium and sat as I waited for further instruction.

We were divided into 3 groups: Incoming freshmen, transfer students, and students 25 and over. I was stuck with the straight outta high school freshmen. The reason why I had put so much emphasis on going to school was because I needed to be around more people my age, however, since I was very sleepy during this orientation, that was not my intent this time. I was stuck with an obnoxious group of teenagers that I hadn't seen since the incoming freshmen in high school. We had to mingle and get to know each other and that's not my biggest specialty, so I just didn't do it.

The whole reason we were supposed to be there from 7:30 am to 6:00 pm, was because we were on a schedule, yet none of the professors wanted to be there until 6pm, so basically we sat there watching videos of college safety for an hour, went to "lunch" which was just cold sandwiches, came back to our group room and sat for an hour and a half, played a game, then watched another college safety video, played another game (I didn't even bother), and then it was time to register for classes. Since there have already been at least, 6 weeks worth of students who had registered before us, we kind of got the short end of the stick with the classes, so we were told to pick what we could, then change it once drop/add begins. Drop/Add is basically when the class avaliblity shifts and people start switching classes.

Since I have to work, I only have 2 classes (and those were the only one I could choose), these classes are

• world religion: Monday, weds, fri, 9:00-9:50 am

ok, not bad, but this is what I need to change:

• mathmatics: Weds 6:30-10pm

I kinda need classes closer together dontcha think?

Overall, it was ok I guess. There was this one guy in our group who graduated high school a year before me and was an incoming freshman, so I didn't feel too bad, because, like me, his real-life priorities got in the way of continuing his education. So there you have it, instead of 7:30-6, it was more like 7:30-4pm.

This Is Stupid.

This is a rant on something very dumb. But it's how I feel right now and I'm not sure what to do about it.

So after 2 years of going through financial aid hell, I get a chance to actually attend a real life college. And while I am extremely grateful, this is not the school I wanted to go to, its sort of this lame community college that is now a 4 year university but the name suggests would make one believe it is a community college, and while I have nothing against community college, this new 4 year university or whatever is only my school of choice because I wanted to move into a dorm room, and my financial aid will not finance this room....in fact no one's financial aid will pay for this room. For an example: the federal pell grant gives each student $5500. An off campus student can take the maximum credit hours for both semesters and still get a college refund check in the end. An on-campus student with the pell grant, however, will not even be able to take classes because all of the money will have to go towards a dorm room, and the rooms are so much money that to take classes and have a room will cost roughly around $9000 per semester which would be an estimated $18,000 for the whole year! Whoever in the hell can afford this wont even be attending school, they'll be attending the good schools like UGA or Georgia Tech or Oglethorpe University, which was my dream school as a child, but I slacked off in High School for 2 years so getting into any of these is a negative.

Another thing that annoys me is the orientation, required for all new students, will be from 7:30am to 6:00pm. What the fuck are we doing for 10 hours? touring the new lunar-based classrooms on the moon? There will be meals provided....don't care. And as if these orientations aren't bad enough, I have to be there with other people. Now, not a lot of people know me very well, but the ones that do know enough that I don't mix well with other people, especially the ones in my age group.

I always thought that the better the college, the better the job opportunities afterwards, and one of my biggest fears that I face every day is failure. I don't want to work retail for the rest of my life until retirement because if that's the case I will never have enough to support myself and retire. The only reason why I am trying to go is because after the horrible bad summer of 2010, I'm still trying to rebuild my life, and I've come too far to turn back, (and also they've added a new video gaming development course) but my determination is falling and falling and things that I once wanted to do and loved to do I can't enjoy anymore. Like literally, today in the middle of work, I really just stood there for a moment and contemplated. Not only am I wondering if I should continue or not, but I'm starting to think I'm stupid and will end up flunking anyway (thats why I slacked off those 2 years of high school, because I started to think I was dumb)

And it sucks. The fact is that I can get into a college. I have several times. But I could not pay for them because FAFSA is a joke. And now that I finally finally finally have a chance, I know deep down in my heart and soul that this is not the college I wanted to go to. I wanted to go to a college with sororities and fraternities and student life and stereotypical stuff, not a wannabe school with this...stuff going on. And only like 6 fields of study to choose from WTF?

I'm an ungrateful bitch.