Mind over matter: dealing with depression

I haven't really felt like blogging. Well, I take that back, I HAVE felt like blogging, but I've been busy, my computer sucked (this is my new one ^ ^) and I have also been dealing with my oh-so-ever changing emotions.

Being bipolar is seriously like being a ball tossed in between two teams, or like being that kid with the divorced parents who have joint custody; it's confusing, and lately for me it's been feeling a bit out-of-control. A month ago I felt like I was at the top of the world for no apparent reason: I was going to the gym, helping people on my job, going out, just loving life and planning ahead, until one day I woke up and I didn't want to get out of bed. Why? Because I am my worse enemy. I tell myself things that bring me down from the clouds and back into hell. I am constantly reminded of my financial troubles, my path to nowhere in life, and how insecure I am about my looks.

I just feel stuck. The financial troubles are getting worse, I'm screwing up on my job, and my insecurities are causing me to screw up on my job. I'm at a loss. Don't get me wrong, I am receiving treatment for everything, but sometimes I feel like a test dummy, I mean, when I see my psychiatrist, it basically goes like this: "hi, how are you today? how is the medicine working? oh, no life again? well join a club! alright then, see ya!". Really?

And it's not just stress, it's the fact that when I wake up something comes over me because I know that I have to get up and look in that mirror so I can fail while living as me again - the stress just makes it worse. The difference between this time and last time I felt this way, was last time I was at my wits end and I wanted nothing more than to die, but this time I know that not even death can help my problems, so I've just given up. I really really hope that things get better in the future and life turns around, I don't want to go through this every day, not knowing which way I'm gonna feel and why.