I Am No One's Robot.

 

I'm not trying to be an extreme feminist here, but this subject just kind of irks me.

I was reading an article online called '10 things a woman should know how to do' and the standards kept getting more and more unreal, we're human, not robots.

My last day at my second job, we were all talking and this one lady was chopping up vegetables. I am extremely sensitive to onions and peppers, and she mentioned "how are you gonna cook for your husband". I jokingly said "I will order takeout" and her relative chimed in and said "oh sweetie no, I cook for my husband all the time and he loves my cooking"

Excuse me? LOL

•  Anyone who knows me, and knows me REALLY well, know that I am def. not the domestic housewife type. I've never been in love, I've never been in a relationship, so what on God's green Earth would make ANYONE think that I plan on getting married? I can't commit to a single nail polish color, let alone a single person that I'd have to look at forever. UGH!

•  I don't cook for others. I just don't. Reason: because I don't care what you like and don't like, as long as I like it, it's fine.

• who said that I had to satisfy someone else? Is learning how to do all of this for the sole purpose of 'keeping our husbands happy'? If so, then that's bullshit. Should I also quit my job, wear an apron and a false smile, standing at the door waiting for my husband to come home so I can take his coat and say "how was your day, dear?" PFFT.

I just have a huge problem with people telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and I think people are really narrow minded and should realize that people are different, it's 2012 FFS and need to accept other people's lifestyle choices.

 

Party Like It's 1932

I quit my 2nd job.

I couldn't take it anymore - the stress, the racing back town to my other job, the ridiculous treatment of the employees, it was extremely stressful and tiring. So I left it.

However, now that I have left that job, there have been severe budget cuts in my life; I have to cut back on online ordering, even if shipping is just 2 dollars. I haven't had to use my card since taking the job, but I still have to save up for a car before school starts.

It's kind of pathetic, but I can't do much - I have to buy extremely cheaply or I can't buy anything, I have to cut back on the 99 cent nail polish, just stop the spending for a while, even though I'm not a HUGE spender, I can't really buy things anymore, even if I need them.

So I do feel broke, I feel like I have no money (even though I have a nice sum in my bank account) again, I'm saving it for my car, until then, things will have to be done cheaply and frugal-ly, almost as if I'm one of those crazy doomsday preppers or like the stock market just crashed and I'm trying to make ends meet. Either way, something has got to be done; something has got to give.

The Mecca Of Crazy Dreams: I Dream Of Guidos

This was by far one of the most awesome and weird dreams I've ever had. For the record, I have never had any affiliation with guidos or guidettes nor do I even find guidos attractive, so for me this was pretty random.

Ok, so basically the dream was Guido: the musical. A bunch of guidos and guidettes got onstage and started rapping and singing about their lifestyle. It was awesome because I was able to think up the lyrics and rhymes up off the top of my head! Shame I don't remember any of the songs.. maybe this dream was my subconscious retaliating against my Glee rant I had the other day?...

HAIRCUT WIN

And the new place to get my hair styled is...*drumroll*

Wal-mart smart style salon!!

I had gotten my hair done there before, once was a relaxer and once was a blowout and they both came out awesome. I gotta admit I had my doubts about going to walmart, because it's such a generic place to get my hair cut. 

However, the experience was, and usually is really good. I walked in and instead of the creepy stares, I was greeted with kindness, and I only had to show the lady the picture of the hairstyle ONCE. That was a really good sign, because in the past my hairstylists would go "wait..lemme see the picture again" but this time she just looked at it and ran with it. Then the other stylist complimented my hair and said that she considered getting her hair cut. It was a wonderful experience and I got the exact cut I wanted. Which was this:

...and it's the exact same haircut (pics coming soon)

But what makes this haircut better is that I really had wanted to chop my hair off for a while. To me, cutting my hair is a major stress reliever, and to me it represents freedom (maybe that's why I had that dream). I was also hesitant to get my hair cut short because I thought that I would look really ugly, and people would mistake me for a dude, but I look better with shorter hair, and maybe...just maybe...I will try to wear makeup???

Bye Quorra Hair :(

 

 

I'm getting another haircut tomorrow because of the thick muppet living on my head. My hair isn't exactly cut like Quorras, but it's about the same length and whenever I'm running my hair does the same exact movements of her hair in the movie, but for me it's too much to handle and I'm pretty low maintenance so I don't want a lot to deal with. Besides, it's just hair!

 

LEAVE THE DEAD ALONE!!

I'm normally a huge fan of shows like "Paranormal Activity", "Ghost Hunters", "Ghost Adventures", anything ghost-y and paranormal-ly, they are interesting because we usually see ghosts portrayed in thriller movies and we KNOW it's not real; it's just special effects. Those ghost hunting t.v. shows go all the way and beyond to prove something and to talk to the dead, and sometimes we can hear them as well.

But for Dio's sakes, man..give it a rest after a while, if the spirit isn't talking to you, don't hound them to death (hound them to death..haha get it? because they're already dead LOLz) like the ghost paparazzi or something. No wonder why the spirits are telling them to LEAVE or knocking down stuff and throwing shit across the room - sometimes I get irritated from being asked "what's wrong" or "how was your day" over and over again.

And sometimes the ghost paparazzi just look downright stupid; here they are, sitting in a room with enough electronics and equipment to put Dexter's Laboratory  to shame, shouting in the dark "HELLO! ARE YOU HERE? IF YOU ARE HERE PLEASE THROW A ROCK, A LAMP, OR A CHAIR AT MY HEAD!"..nothing happens except the fart of a cast member and everyone jumps ship, people flee the room, and the audio is played repededly to prove that the fart, was indeed, the voice of old man Jenkins..

Or they will stand in a doorway, while a moth flies up to one guy's ear. The guy runs like a chicken with it's head cut off swearing that "DUDE! IT JUST TRIED TO ATTACK ME!" And so that we will believe that it's a spirit attacking the dude, not a moth, a clip of the 'floating orb' is played over and over again.

I used to think these shows were really cool, and some still are, especially the ones about unsolved mysteries like Lizzie Borden and historical figures, but most of the time I just sit there feeling stupid because this show is trying to convince us that it's Casper, not their draining sanity due to prolonged exposure to darkness (play amnesia: the dark decent) that's really talking to us..really?

Disclaimer: I DO believe in ghosts; I lived in a haunted house for 8 years of my life and sometimes weird things do happen to us now, but I doubt that I'd be going to radio shack for some ghostbuster equipment any time soon

A Whole World Of No.

That is my hair that I'm talking about.

A few weeks ago I got my hair cut. It was excellent and it only took a few minutes. Once I got home I altered it a bit and it looked better. Whenever I go to hair salons to get my hair done, I show them the style I want, which was this:

Perfect, yes? ok, unfortunately for me, whenever I go to the salon, the stylist always gives me a half- assed response like "well, your hair is a little thicker and shorter in the area where it needs to be longer and ljgdfjgiofdjgbldfjblgfb......" as if my hair is an unruly toddler that the teacher cannot disipline. Right then...so after I left the salon, instead of having hair that looked like that above, my hair looked more like this down below:

Fair enough, and for a few days I did feel good about myself for a while, but then something happened. See, I have hair so thick that it's actually scary, and when I WASH my hair, it just takes on a life of it's own. Being that I have 2 jobs back-to-back, I don't have time to style my hair anymore, and when I wake up my hair looks like this:

What had happened here was, my hair had such a good time at the renaissance festival, that it decided to travel back in time and shape itself into the hairstyle of a friar boy. This is not at all the look I was going for. But it gets worse....because I believe that instead of growing downwards, my hair grows outward and instead of a human being I feel like a fucking anime character. To fully understand what I'm talking about, this picture below is my interpretation of what my hair looks and feels like:

.............................Did I do something to deserve this?


So after deciding for a while, I was gonna go ahead and get my hair cut some more, and I want it cut in a way where I still have my chin length bangs- kind of like a Victoria Beckham haircut thingy.

But I have to find a salon. I have no salon to go to. The salon I went to before is rude, overcrowded, and ghetto. I have a problem with small business salons: I don't want to hear a bunch of loud talking, gossiping, and pausing to talk every second, just do my fucking hair! And the part that pisses me off is that I kept getting the question "you don't want any curls or flips? just straight?" NO! just do it the way I say to do it! I have the picture of the haircut just cut my hair please!

I think my problem is my face. When I see a haircut on someone else it's so pretty, but on me the haircut looks strange and alien-ish. Just for once in my life I would like to be satisfied with the way that I look, because apparently Im having an extremely hard time feeling comfortable with the way I look, and I'm afraid that if I get the haircut I want that it's going to look weird on me, and I'm literally 10 seconds away from pulling a Deb from Empire Records and shaving off my hair, and showing up to work to hear my manager say shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior when in reality I just want it all gone, and I'd do it too if it didn't make me look like a dude (my face can't handle makeup) soooooo....I'm at a bit of a loss here.  I don't know when I'm gonna have time to even go to a salon, but I am about to just butcher it myself and call it a day, that's for sure.

I am no one's babysitter.

I am no one's babysitter, therapist, nanny, or anything that requires me to take care of them or "be there" for them.

I've never really been sympathetic or the type of person that lets someone cry on their shoulders. hell I cringe when people try to lean in for a hug or someone puts their arm around my shoulder - it's too weird.

I hate it when people have a problem and expect you to be like "ohhhh what's wrong", but the only problem is I never really care whats wrong, I mean, I can't by any means solve your problem. I can give you some advice and hope for the best but I don't have God-like powers that activate whenever there's a problem, for fuck's sake I can't even solve my own damn problems let alone someone else's.

And it's not like I've TRIED to be that really nice, sympathetic person who will let you cry on their shoulder, but it's not me; and that was back when I was trying to get people to like me. Here's what I've learned: you either like me or you don't, I'm not gonna be someone I'm not based on other people's approval, and while I'm not gonna be a total bitch I'm not exactly Snow White either, you get what you get.

Anyway, I am under a lot of stress; things are pissing me off, I can't get decent rest, I don't have a car and school starts in August. School? what school? I don't have any money for school right now and I guess that I'm gonna have to take out a loan that I will never to infinity and beyond be able to pay back. Oh scholarships? pshhhhh due to my 2 years of slacking off in high school I am deemed too stupid for a scholarship. I don't want to work retail for the rest of my life and while I'm not DEPRESSED or anything, I do feel pathetic. But fortunately for me, I've done so much self-pitying in the past that I'm tapped out of complain-juice and while it's hard to ENJOY life, I've had no choice but to accept it. That's just the way it is, and it's just the way I am, I don't have to go through anything.

But when someone tries to vent ALL of their problems to me and get upset when I don't do anything to help them, it's just immature. It's like that 5 year old kid crying for attention. If you have a problem, find a therapist, keep a diary (or a BLOG ) write your shit down, or even more importantly, find someone who cares and will "awww" and baby you to death.

Favorite Movies: Marie Antoinette.

First of all, I'd just like to tell everyone to shut up. 

Second of all, I'd just like to say that Sofia Coppola is my new best friend.

Because this is a BAMF hoodie

And this is a BAMF movie.

This film is unique because it is visually appealing. Most historical pieces try so hard to be accurate with the time and the lifestyle of the people restricted to that period that they make it so hard, so boring. The film Marie Antoinette is meant to represent the ill-fated queen herself, by giving people a glimpse of who she was and how she lived her life; she was just a teenage girl in the beginning, and she was trying to please everyone. However, because it was not exactly her choice to live said life, it made her feel out-of-place and unhappy, and so she had to please herself as well.

The Queen.

Kirsten Dunst plays Marie Antoinette in the film. 

It's interesting to hear Coppola's reasoning behind why she chose her, mainly because she thought she would represent her well. Honestly, it's kind of random in my opinion; while she isn't really the first thing that comes to mind when I think Versailles, she also isn't the typical princess-faced either, so Sofia really stepped out of the box with this casting, but hey, Kirsten pulls it off in the best way.

Everything is Beautiful

Like I said before, this movie is visually appealing. When I first saw this movie, I was going through a grunge phase and I didn't have the urge to dress, act, or even feel like a girl anymore. One thing I can say about this movie is that there is so much PINK. Pink dresses, pink furniture, pink food....Love. This movie is what sparked my pink phase.

  

Just A Girl

For the people who didn't know the story of Marie Antoinette, the first reaction to this movie would be "oooh that's a nice lifestyle you got there!".  To make a long story short, she spent a lot, the court spent a lot, taxes were raised on the people so much that poverty rose like hell and everyone got mad (read A Tale of Two Cities). The movie casually takes you along a path of glitz and glam and then shows the aftermath, kind of like a party and then the aftermath of that party.

Here's the thing: Imagine if you were a teenage girl and you woke up one morning and were told you were gonna marry a boy who you didn't know. Everything changes, you never see your family and your home again. You are changed into the most uncomfortable clothing and you meet your new husband who has little interest in you. You don't know anyone and you feel lonely. Suddenly, you start to warm up and do things YOUR way, and just when people are telling you that you shouldn't be doing them, you find a group of friends who help you this journey. You go shopping, partying, clubbing, and have loads of fun, but in the meantime you forget that you have responsibilities, and not just any responsibilities, responsibilities unusual for a teenager.

And that's kind of what happened, she felt isolated, so she did what she could do to please herself. Even though that's not the BASIS of what happened, it is kind of what happened: she, (in the words of the great Wu-Tang clan) "got with a sick-ass clique and went ALL OUT"

New Romantics

 

This movie has a really great soundtrack. In fact, this movie is what sparked my interest in post-punk, shoegaze, and new wave music. Sofia said that she was inspired by the look of the "New Romantics", who took the 18th century look and ran with it. 

 

Yeah.......need I say more?

College.

So yesterday, I went to take my compass test at the college I'm supposed to be starting at in the fall.

The compass test is a test that people take when their SAT/ACT scores are slightly below the needed score to get into the classes or they've been out of school for a few years. At first I wasn't gonna go, a well known habit of mine is flaking - saying "oh yeah, I'm gonna go do this" and at the last minute I flake, which is deciding I don't want to do it.

I really contemplated it because I wasn't sure I wanted to go to college anymore; the practice test looked too hard and I was convinced that I was gonna fail. The English and writing parts are not an issue - it's ALWAYS been mathmatics for me. I can score above and beyond in English and reading, but I will bum fail math.

Well, I egged myself on. I thought that hey, at least it's college, and I need somewhere to go and jumpstart my life besides my 2 jobs all the time. So I went ahead and went, and I got a perfect score and I am taking the normal freshman classes! I felt extremely accomplished yesterday after leaving the college.

Some things I noticed were that people are more likely to mind their business in college; in high school people looked at each other and judged each other, whereas in college most people don't actually give 2 shits about the next person. Also, there are more people there of any age: there was a guy in his 50's there doing his homework.

Most people there are my age, but it still helps that there is a wider variety of people in each age group, you know? I recommend taking a year off and finding a job to anyone who was tired of school like I was, however, college is still something that I would also recommend, not just for the learning, but everyone should at least TRY. That's one word I need to use more in life. TRY.

There's Nothing Back There.

"Stop looking back - there's nothing back there for you"

That's a quote I heard on CurlyNikki.com a while back. It was about a woman talking about accepting her new life and her future with her family. A lot of times I try to tell myself that looking back into the past will not help me, but thanks to my brain (which produces a lot of dreams based on repressed memories of mine) sometimes I can't help but wonder what if some things had been different?

I work with a girl who is about to graduate from high school, and while I can't help but feel happiness for her, it makes me reflect on who I was when I was her age.

In 2006 I had entered high school with high hopes and aspirations; I was gonna be a radio personality, I knew exactly what college I wanted to go to, where I wanted to live, I knew exactly what I wanted my life to be like. I was making all A's in everything, I had potential. As I worked hard for my future, I was highly dissatisfied with my present life, I was lonely, I felt like I was watching a house party from the outside = everyone having fun, getting into relationships, y'know, things I had never experienced. By the time my sophmore year had started I didn't want to be a radio personality anymore - it seemed like everyone in my family was more into my future than I was, so I changed my mind and afterwards I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I slacked off, stopped caring, focused on my present life.

This pattern lasted from the beginning of my sophmore year to the end of the first semester of my junior year; I was actually having fun and looking forward to going to school every day. But my grades started to suffer horribly: my GPA fell from 3.0 to a 2.6 and I didn't care because I thought that for once I should focus on me and making myself happy.

By the time senior year arrived I was a burnout -  I had stopped trying to be friends with everyone and started to carry around a "fuck it" mentality. I missed school a lot, slacked off, why? because I didn't care - I didn't know what I was doing after high school and even if I did I was too dumb to really follow up on it. It wasn't until 3 months prior to graduation did I realize that I too, could go to college, and would you believe it, my grades revived themselves. Sadly, it wasn't enough to carrry my GPA along from 2 years of slack.

Basically these past few weeks I have been really confused about things. I have been thinking about people I used to know and love, things I did, things I wore (haha clearly) and what if things had been different? Lately I've been feeling nothing but guilt and regret not because of what I did, but who I tried to be. I tried to be someone else in the past- I had many personalities and If I had just been myself and stopped trying to fit in and care what everyone else had thought about me then maybe I would've came out alright, but it's all my fault; I am the way I am because I've never been happy with myself whatsoever.

I'm not sure what to do right now. It's always been hard for me to keep looking forward because I can't come to terms with my past.